Rapid Hope Loss

When did everything become so hard? What happened to those times when I could just smile and laugh and be happy? How did everything that felt so right, suddenly became so wrong? What went wrong where?

All these things that's happening at home is already making me feel bad. I feel so guilty for making everyone worry about me. I know what I did was wrong, I should have thought things through. And my brother and I are still in this cold war thing and it's making me feel so lonely at home. I can't tell my parents anything because whatever I do is wrong to them, and now I don't even have my brother to comfort me when I know I've screwed up and need someone to be on my side to help me fight my fight. I know the kid's has never had my best interest at heart, but at least I could count on him to cheer me up whenever my parents put me down. We used to spend hours on end just hanging out, but he's changed so much and so have I and I miss the times when things used to be easy and there were hardly any secrets between us and we had each other's backs. But all that's gone now; we've grown up and grown apart and I miss the old us.

And now my parents look at me with all that distrust and anger in their eyes and there's nothing I can do to change that because it's my fault, it's all my fault and I was just too damn proud to admit that I've messed up.

And I just realized that I am on my last chance to do well for school and I really really need to do really well to boost up my GPA or I won't be able to get into the school that I want to and it's suddenly putting a lot of pressure on me and right now I'm just breaking apart as things around me are falling apart and I don't know what to do to fix it and I don't know how and all I want to do is just sleep and hope it all goes away when I wake up. Everything I touch just turns to ashes and I'm so sick of always being the one who messes up and have everyone else clean up my mess.

I just wish for once I would be able to do something right and make the people around me proud of me, proud to be associated with me. I wish I wasn't such a mess.